Do you have that moment when loneliness suddenly kicks in out of nowhere?
And you want to be around someone, anyone, anywhere. Hoping that that dreadful feeling would go elsewhere. But, deep inside, your logic understands that it will go nowhere. Because, hey, where can it go when it comes from within you; tell me where. Felt like it was just yesterday, when I flipped through the same pages,
skimming through the same sequence of images and dialogues. Only difference is that it was not yesterday, not days, not months, but years. Years had passed by and here I was, flipping through the same pages. The same pages relishing my sense of awe. My sense of awe renewed along with the same fear. The same fear of growing up. Growing up to be the "the adult I did not want to become". When my eyes finally adjusted to the darkness engulfing my existence, my whole body perked up to this signal that this was no place to idly stroll at that particular time of the day. Feeling sensation in my feet, I started moving, assessing where I could go somewhere safer. The language spoken around me was not my mother tongue, but I possessed more than adequate mastery to communicate in the same words. That was when my eyes caught the figure of a man, a whole different aura about him; I felt it was safe enough to confer my predicament to this particular man.
Just as I was talking to him and about to make my escape unscathed, our conversation was halted by a loud thud, a man fell ever so brutally near where I stood. It must have been my surprised shriek which gave it all out; no other people seemed to care about this whole scene, but the man who did the deed, a thin man with the beautiful innocent appearance, one might even mistake him for a boy, took notice of me. Maybe it was that intense look on that thin man, unfitting of his build, or maybe it was just the shock, but my whole body administered with fear; if I stayed there, the consequences would be grave, the phrase was repeated over and over again in my mind. I abruptly turned around and started to run. The man I was talking to managed to catch my speed and run in front of me, trying to guide me to safety, while the thin man shouted from behind, gibberish words I blocked out of my mind. Suddenly my guide disappeared out of sight as some muscular men tried to get to me, but it was also that moment when I sensed familiarity to my surroundings. Always lagging behind in P.E class, it was a miracle I could run this far, was the only thought inside me which lifted my mood a little. Finally reaching a street with rows of houses and shops, I saw more people innocently walking around. I slowed down, as my pursuer was to be seen no more. Aimlessly peering through shop windows, I came across an alley which was beckoning me to enter. If I were watching a horror movie, I would helplessly wish for the characters not to go in, but the heart had always been independent from logical reasoning. And, despite my previous unfortunate encounter, I followed my instinct and walked into the dark alley. I guessed, when it came the reality of going through it, I kind of understood why they always walked in nonchalantly. Thankfully, I was greeted by the warm light of an estate, with various tents, selling all kinds of merchandise, lining up on the huge patio of the building. It felt like a déjà vu; I had seen this before, and had always wanted to walk further, but up until that point, it was more like moving photographs, rather than videos. I would see the same scene, bustling with people, cheerful voices; it felt so warm and inviting, but then got pulled out of it, snapped into reality. This time, though, I managed to venture deeper. I was carefully examining a good when I felt a nudge on my shoulder. I turned around, greeted by a familiar voice. Small in height with adorable dimple when she smiled, it was a friend from university, asking what I was doing there. We exchanged small greetings on where I lived now. And it felt pure relieve; my friend might not look like it, but she was the most level-headed person I knew and could always take the best decision. As I was about to go into lengths at my previous frightening encounter, the rain started to pour mercilessly and both of us had to run for cover. Deeper and deeper we went, until we reached a small enclosed plaza. Outdoor cafes were circling the circumference, all of them covered with wooden roofs so chatters from guests did not diminish from the sudden change of weather. Someone from the crowd was calling my friend’s name from afar and she took my hand and led me to the source. With the rain limiting my visibility, I managed to follow her from the touch of her hand on mine. Another familiar face from university took shape in front of me as I wiped the rain streaks out of my vision. He showed a pleasant surprise on his face and asked the same set of question. My friend took the liberty of answering where I was currently living and somehow, a revelation struck me. I moved out of that house some time ago! Wait, I went elsewhere after, but I could not really recall. A wave of panic was apparent when I voiced my worry and my friends, ever the good people they were, started to pitch in some suggestions, offering me to stay over and ensuring me not to worry about a single thing. I forced myself to calm down and looked around once more. We were in a hurry and I could only catch a glimpse, but now that I had all the time in the world, surrounded by warm faces, this place was something out of a storybook. Stone paved, lush plants growing out of every space in between buildings, the scenery you could only see in tropical countries, it literally felt like being in a foreign land, but the size, the closeness of the plaza itself allowed one to feel like home. Ah, I have been trying to reach this place for so many times and finally…, my mouth twitched up into a smile. Being a controlling person that I am, it was a rare moment of letting go. Whatever happens, I had my friends by my side, and I finally broke the mystery of this place. I placed my focus on my friends once more and heard myself trying to express my gratitude to them when my voice trailed off to once more burn this scene into my eyes. It was then that I blinked, and jolt into the view of my own room. The familiarity sunk in and as relieved as I was, a pang of loneliness kicked in, and a drop of water managed to slide down my cheeks as I tried to relish in the lingering sensations. Two months full of agony, despair, over endless contemplation of the stakes at hand, still hopeful to choose the "right" one because of the endless support from two human beings who are supposed to trust and love. Only for the illusion to be crushed in a fifteen-minutes-phone-call... because in the end, you are young and inexperienced... how, oh, how, would they let you make your own decision?
And you think to yourself, sixty days... a thousand four hundred forty hours of your life wasted, because in the end, you are just one silly human being with no sounding logic and therefore incapable to think for yourself... how, oh how, would they let you make your own decision? Imagine the frustration and fear, oh, fear... of being a puppet, Living for the sake of fulfilling others' dreams. Living... for the sake of living.
Like a relationship, entering its sixth year mark,
all the goods and the bads, out there, naked. Like a relationship, one tries to predict the future, with two options, always two options, in and out. And, the latter have been chosen. |
Of course life frightens me sometimes. I don't happen to take that as the premise for everything else, though. I'm going to give it 100 per cent and go as far as I can. I'll take what I want and leave what I don't want. That's how I intend to live my life, and if things go bad, I'll stop and reconsider at that point. If you think about it, an unfair society is a society that makes it possible for you to exploit your abilities to the limit. - Nagasawa from Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood
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