Is it not about time?
To stop having high hope about changes. Because people do not change, and there is nothing you can do. Except to extract yourself from the toxic situation and get on with life.
Raving with politics,
the heart skids, the brain blinks, a million flicks, feverish, for some gibberish. How does it feel to be able to say no and not care about the reaction?
To not be overly sensitive of other's facial expression? To not read too much into each of the words spoken? To not rewind through the day and not being able to sleep? How does it feel not to care about what other people think, really? The most appealing element from the Before series is, when all the other movies try to show everything by filming everything, how a talk between two individuals in one night can be a such a turning point in life. Sometimes you get to be with the same person for years and still not know what he / she is thinking, but, like discovering that one song which enchants you from the first note, there are moments in life when you just know that everything will fit so perfectly.
In the midst of the last two weeks, where unwanted coincidental events kept on happening with the blurring speed of light and my childish heart being broken up, bombarded with endless disappointments, again and again, being able to talk and not think of the consequences to come is like breathing in some fresh air after being deprived of it with no warning, and such... harshness. And, it is a welcome change. They used to be the solace among this clearly messed up world I have clearly thrown myself into. Which is why when the truth starts to surface, it crushed my heart way worse than I thought it would.
Ask people who knew me three years ago... I was running around free of ties, I used to be very proud of my independence. Then, with the last two years, blessed with people too amazing too be true, seems like I have completely forgotten my own place. Did I do something wrong? Was it one of my outbursts? Did I got way too ahead of myself? Or the whole relationship was just my imagination? Those were the questions repeating through my mind for the last two days. Plus scenes of our interactions... analyzing everything, trying to find the cause to this whole wrecked situation. The me-before would place blame on incompatibility and let it go. I wish the me-now would do it too. ASAP. Because, truthfully speaking, there is this other thing which is killing me, mentally, and I do need a place where ulterior motives and masks just do not exist. |
Of course life frightens me sometimes. I don't happen to take that as the premise for everything else, though. I'm going to give it 100 per cent and go as far as I can. I'll take what I want and leave what I don't want. That's how I intend to live my life, and if things go bad, I'll stop and reconsider at that point. If you think about it, an unfair society is a society that makes it possible for you to exploit your abilities to the limit. - Nagasawa from Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood
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